To ...... A Christmas Altar -

How 'un-christmasy' is it to start off talking about blood?
That doesn't really go with manger scenes or snowmen or holiday baking, does it?
It's not really decking the halls & jingle all the way.

Yet in the raw honest truth of this Christmas season, of our Christmas this year, it's a prominent word.
It describes life physically, emotionally, spiritually.

This month we've just been laid flat.
And in many cases, left bleeding.

A public blog is public .... too bad I don't actually keep a journal.
So every last detail can't be shared & yet h0ldfast is the story of our life - it is my journal.
It's my altar & memorial.
Where I look back & point & remember & say 'see God'
He has always been.
There
Leading
Working
Loving
With us
For us

I start typing & forget to add in pictures.
This years Christmas card pictures.
The outtakes & the for reals & the extras.
:)

The red theme was for merry & candy canes & joy.
Not blood :)

There's life in blood.
It's absolutely required for living.

I don't know how to talk about church & friends.

About the changes & the unknowns.
The questions & the hurts.
The bleeding.

Over & over it's knocked the wind out of us.
Left us flat.
The last couple of months have been like no others.

And then there's the baby.
With church & friends & life & family we stopped asking what next, cause there kept being these 'nexts' that were blowing our minds.

And we said things like 'let's shake things up a bit'
But clearly we didn't mean it.
Or we had pretty strict guidelines on what sort of shake up we were ok with.

A late period, getting sick, 2 lines.
That was really not ok.

Like seriously.
We went for a walk & I told Rex every reason why & then some why I was not ok.
He was in utter shock.

But he likes babies.
And he's got this crazy skill of loving change.
And he doesn't care what anyone else will think, at all.

And just like that a whole lot of life got shook up.
It was going to have to be ok.

And all the everything that God was doing all around us, He was suddenly doing in a very ....
very personal way.

I was not fool enough to know it wasn't all connecting.
I still asked why.
I still said no.
I still gave all my 'reasons'

Till I slowly,
s l o w l y
decided to think about being ok with the reality.

The sun was out & then behind clouds faster than camera settings could be changed.
So we went back & forth from over exposed to alright.
It was a fun Christmas card.
It was sticky with smiles.

- - -

I want to look back ..... I need to look back.
I need to be reminded -
He has always been.
There
Leading
Working
Loving
With us
For us

Even in the bleeding.
When I just unclenching my fist.
Just admitting I don't have to have it all figured out.

Bleeding.
And the not knowing.
The questions & the hurts.

The roller coaster raced on & we weren't really buckled in very tight.
Rex didn't like the thought of me ending up passed out in the ER again.
I didn't blame him.
 

I wasn't sure I'd tell anyone about the baby.
As badly as I didn't want to be pregnant, it's a hard way to go out.
It's rough way to end.

Life is precious, though.
It's a gift.
He gave a sweet gift .... for just a little while.
It should be honored.

The killer week.
The sick.
The appointments.
The blood draws.
The ultrasounds.
The yes, the no, the yes, the final no.

It should be valued.
It didn't end like 4 years ago in the ER.
But it ended.

I think it took longer to type 'cause I felt like there should be a lesson learned from it all.
Some sort of take home, making all the everything mean something or make sense.

I don't have that.

Altars.
Memorials.

It's another place to point to & say again - There is God.

I love that the story isn't over.
That it doesn't all have to wrapped up with a Christmas bow.
That it doesn't have to just be one something.

I love that Rex still loves babies.
He still loves change.
And he still doesn't worry about 'what everyone else will think'
:)

I love that there are new mercies.
That God is still so sweet.
And hurts heal.

That we aren't bleeding out.
All is grace.

.....  are their leg placements killing you too? ah, seriously

Christmas was still merry!
The festive jingle is coming.